When A Loved One's Memory Fades: Rituals for Ambiguous Loss & Grief

When A Loved One's Memory Fades: Rituals for Ambiguous Loss & Grief

Several months ago, I was invited to facilitate a monthly support group at a local memory care facility. The facility is for residents with dementia. The support group is made up of spouses, siblings, and children of these residents. I am there to support this group as they work with ambiguous grief and loss. As a funeral director I am a student of and witness to the grief that comes with death. But I was clueless about ambiguous grief. Before walking into this, I needed to understand, honor, and support what these folks might be experiencing. So, I put myself through a crash course on ambiguous grief and loss to prepare for facilitating this group.

Ambiguous grief, or ambiguous loss, is grieving a significant relationship change or loss where there's no clear closure, often involving someone who is physically present but psychologically gone, like with dementia. The emotional, psychological, and spiritual processes that come with ambiguous grief are very different than those that come with unambiguous grief, like that following a death.

A significant difference between the two comes down to the tools we have to process these distinct kinds of grief. When someone we love dies, there are myriad rituals that may be prescribed or that we can choose from to mark the loss, make meaning from it, and work with grief at its various stages. There is a lack of similar rituals for ambiguous loss and grief. 

To start offering tools for working with ambiguous grief I have researched and crafted the following two rituals. They are rituals to name, acknowledge, and work with the complex, bewildering, and often conflicting emotional, psychological, and spiritual process that may come with ambiguous loss. They are not intended to bring closure. Rather, they are crafted for companionship. They are to help someone companion themselves and their grief. And, when shared with others, to companion one another.

These rituals can be done by alone and with others. They can be adapted. They can be imperfect. In fact, there is no such thing as perfection here. These rituals can be done once, or often. They can be abandoned and returned to whenever it may feel appropriate. They may feel meaningful, and they may not. But, if at some level they feel true, go with that.

Love and gratitude,

Brian Flowers

Ritual 1: "Naming What Has Changed"

Ambiguous grief can feel invisible, maybe even illegitimate. This ritual names specific losses, things that have passed; not the person as a whole, but what has shifted in your relationship with them. Its purpose is to make ambiguous grief tangible and valid.

1.   Preparation

• Gather as many small stones as appropriate.

• Create a quiet space with

  • a photo of your person

  • a candle

  • a bowl/container

• 
  

2.   Naming

• Light the candle

• One by one, name changes aloud or in writing that you are grieving: examples

  • “I grieve that you no longer recognize my voice.”

  • “I grieve that our jokes don’t land.”

  • “I grieve that I can’t ask you for advice.”

  • “I grieve your passion for art (or music, sports, nature, humanitarian causes, or anything else the person loved).

• As you name each change, place a stone in the bowl.

3.   Witness

• If participating in this ritual alone you can self-witness. After you place a stone in the bowl say, “I see this change.”

• If you are in a group, or with another participant they can say, “I see this change” after you place a stone in the bowl.

4.   Closing & Integration

• After you have placed as many stones as appropriate into the bowl say a simple phrase like, “This loss is real. This grief has a place.”

• Blow out the candle.

• You may keep the stones for any period of time or return them to nature.

Ritual 2: "Both/And"

Ambiguous loss can bring a complex set of emotions. To the point of bewilderment. Some emotional reactions may bring shame and/or guilt. This is a ritual to help normalize simultaneous, conflicting emotions while reconciling guilt and resentment. We will call these simultaneous, conflicting emotions “polarities.”

1.   Preparation

• Gather two pieces of paper, or two stacks of paper and two bowls/containers.

• Or define two areas of space in room or outside

• It may help to have each container, or each defined area of space look different from the other.

• You may consider setting up a photo of your person and lighting a candle to begin.

  
  

2.   Naming the Polarity

• One side: “What I still love / cherish / feel connected to”

• Other side: “What hurts / exhausts / angers me”

3.   Expression

• Write each polarity as you speak it. Once both polarities are written place each one in the appropriate bowl/container.

• Or stand in the first defined space and speak the first polarity. Then move to the second defined space and speak the other polarity.

• Repeat with as many polarities as you are carrying.

4.   Closing & Integration

• End with a phrase:

  “Both of these are true. I do not have to choose.”

• If you have written the polarities on paper you may choose to gather them up and release them in the natural world somehow. You may choose to burn them (safely) or bury them somewhere. When A Loved One's Memory Fades: Rituals for Ambiguous Loss & Grief